Renaming Sex: A Sex Therapist's No. 1 Tip for More Satisfying Sex
When I first started working as a sexologist, I'd ramble through a whole list of very important topics: masturbation, pleasure mapping, communication styles, consent, lubrication, sex toys, ethical porn. All valid points. But after years of running workshops and seeing clients in therapy, I realised there was one piece of advice kept surfacing; in every single situation, regardless of age, relationship style, or sexual experience.
Sex is more than penetration.
Our definition of sex is too narrow
Western culture has handed us an incredibly limited script for what sex is supposed to look like. Shaped by patriarchal norms, the dominant narrative is centred on the penis - what it's doing, what it's achieving, what it's feeling. This leaves us with a widespread belief that the only thing that "counts" as sex is penile-vaginal penetration.
This is both socially harmful and biologically inaccurate. It erases the validity of sex between women, or people who don’t have penises - implying it isn't "real" unless a penis is involved. Moreover, the science simply doesn't support penetration as the primary route to pleasure for vulva owners: research consistently shows that the majority of women reach orgasm through external clitoral stimulation. If we define sex as the pursuit of pleasure (which I agree with), then building everything around internal stimulation alone ignores what actually works for most vulva-owners.
Expanding the definition transforms your relationship
Within a relationship, this shift is can be liberating. So much relationship anxiety around sex comes from a single, loaded question: are we having enough sex? When "sex" means only one specific act, it's easy to feel like you're falling short, or pressuring/letting down a partner who has different desire for that particular thing.
But once you start counting any form of satisfying, intentional intimacy as sex, the maths changes completely - Sex researchers have found that couples’ ideal numbers begin to converge. The guilt lifts. The pressure dissolves. And the pleasure increases.
So, what can sex be?
Here's a starting point. Sex can be any of these, or anything else you and your partner find meaningful and arousing:
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Mutual Masturbation
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Oral Sex
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Making Out
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Sensual Cuddling
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Showering Together
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Sexting
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Erotic Games
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Ethical Porn Together
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Massage
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Anything Intentional
〰️ Mutual Masturbation 〰️ Oral Sex 〰️ Making Out 〰️ Sensual Cuddling 〰️ Showering Together 〰️ Sexting 〰️ Erotic Games 〰️ Ethical Porn Together 〰️ Massage 〰️ Anything Intentional
The point is that intimacy can take countless forms, and all of them have a place within intimacy.
Sex Therapist’s Tip
Make a list with your partner of activities you each find arousing, pleasurable, or intimate. Being on the same page about what you both find satisfying is one of the most important foundations for a healthy sex life - then prioritise making time for each of the named activities without feeling that any of them have to lead to penetration or orgasm.
What happens when you let go of the pressure
Many people find that when they stop measuring their sex life against a narrow definition, the pressure to engage in penetrative sex fades. And when pressure disappears, desire often follows, penetration may become exciting again, exactly because it's no longer obligatory.
But there’s also a deeper opportunity here: to ask yourself what you actually enjoy. How many of us have spent years assuming we're supposed to love penetrative sex, or being submissive, or a certain position - without ever pausing to ask whether we'd genuinely prefer something else? Expanding the definition of sex isn't just about reducing stress, it's about discovering what pleasure really looks like for you.
Did this resonate?
Exploring these questions on your own is a great first step, but sometimes it helps to have a guide. As a sex therapist, I offer a safe, non-judgmental space to unpick the beliefs, pressures, and patterns that might be getting in the way of a truly satisfying sex life.
Whether you're navigating this solo or with a partner, I'd love to support you.
I offer a free 15 minute consultation so you can see if this is right for you.
