Mutual Masturbation: A Low-Effort Way to Enjoy Sex
Sometimes the best sex is the kind that asks very little of you.
Synchronized, or Mutual masturbation, where you and a partner touch yourselves in each other's company, is an underrated activity that you can add to your sexual repertoire. It counts as sex. It builds intimacy. And it doesn't require that much from you.
So, what actually is it?
It's simple: you pleasure yourself while your partner does the same. That might involve toys, lube, or touching each other as well. Some people like to watch ethical porn together during the experience which can be a great way to learn more about each other's fantasies without any pressure to perform.
Why it's worth trying
1. You'll learn a lot. Watching a partner pleasure themselves is one of the most effective ways to understand what they actually enjoy.
2. It's good for self-esteem. Research suggests that watching someone get turned on by the sight of you getting turned on can bring up real feelings of power, attraction, and confidence.
3. It can close the orgasm gap. Evidence suggests that masturbation among women is linked to decreased difficulty reaching orgasm. If that's something you or your partner navigates, this is a genuinely useful tool.
4. It takes the pressure off. You don't need a full erection. You don't need to reach orgasm. You're not trying to bring someone else pleasure. This is a rare, gloriously selfish moment, one you're simply sharing with another person.
5. It works for real life. Tired? Short on time? Navigating fatigue, new parenthood, chronic illness, or just a dry spell in desire? This is a low effort option that still has room for connection and intimacy.
Who it's especially good for
Anyone who grew up with shame around masturbation - this brings it out of the shadows and into your shared sexual script
People who find orgasm difficult
Anyone who doesn’t enjoy penetration or experiences pain (e.g., vaginismus, vulvodynia, endometriosis)
Someone who is worried about performing, or anxiety
Couples who want to mix things up
Anyone feeling nervous about being fully naked with a partner (you can keep clothes on, or stay under your bedding)
Someone who find orgasms alone pretty simple but struggles when a partner is present
Relationships where finding the time for a whole ‘party’ just seems unrealistic
How to bring it up
If you're not sure how to start the conversation, try one of these:
"How often do you masturbate?"
"How would you feel if I was in the room while you did?"
"I've not been feeling up for sex lately, I read about something different we could try..."
"When I masturbate, I sometimes wish you were there."
“I read this article and though we could try…”
There's no perfect way to say it. Being honest and curious is a good start.
Starting
You can put in as much or as little effort as you would do for any other sexual experience. Shower, candles, music, or none of the above. What matters more is removing distractions: finish work, pause the movie, leave your phone in another room.
A few things to prepare:
Agree on a way to end it. It's completely fine if a few minutes in you think “this isn't for me today”. Decide in advance how to say that in a way that won't land as rejection.
Set a timer if it helps. If you're anxious about performance or just don't want it to go on forever, agree that after 10 or 15 minutes you're done, cuddles included.
Prepare practically. Charge the toys. Bring the lube. If you're watching porn together, talk about what you both want to see beforehand.
During
Get comfortable, use pillows, blankets, whatever you need. Pick a position -head-to-head or top-to-toe, or something in between, it's up to you.
Then just begin.
Notice what's happening in your body: your breath, your temperature, any tension. Notice your partner. Are they aroused? Are they looking at you? Does watching them change how you feel? Do you enjoy being observed?
You can copy their rhythm. You can simply exist alongside them. There's no wrong way to do this.
If it's not working, that's okay. This is intimate and can bring up unexpected feelings, embarrassment, self-consciousness, a bit of awkwardness. All of that is normal, especially the first time. Try not to fixate on orgasm. Just notice each sensation as it comes.
Afterwards
Aftercare matters here just as much as in any other sexual experience. Spend some time with each other in whatever way feels natural, a cuddle, a chat, a quiet moment together.
When you're both ready, a little reflection can be really valuable:
"I find it really sexy when you..."
"I was surprised to learn..."
"Next time, I'd love to try..."
"I wasn't so into it when..."
Like most things, this gets easier and more enjoyable the more you do it. You'll start to know each other's rhythms, preferences, and movements, and that knowledge carries into everything else you do together.
Ready to explore more?
If this resonated with you, or if you're curious about what else could work for you, I'd love to chat. I'm Sarah, a sexologist, and I offer free 15-minute consultations where we can talk through what you're navigating before booking - no pressure, no awkwardness, just an honest conversation.
Sometimes that's all it takes to get unstuck.
