The 5 Gear Theory
The 5 Gear Theory is a model to help people understand each other’s arousal and preferences throughout sex. It was originally developed by Brian and Emily McCarthy in 2003 as a structured script to give couples a shared language of arousal and intimacy. As sexologists, we use a varied version of the metaphor to help clients understand how sex is not only affection and penetration, but a movement up and down throughout various activities and phases that all bring pleasure.
In this article you can find the why we recommend The Gear Model, and a how to use it in practice.
The 5 Gear Metaphor
You and your partner are in the mood to go for a drive, so you grab your keys, put your shoes on, and walk to the car. You both put your seatbelts on and turn on the ignition.
To move off, it’s obvious that you need to begin in 1st gear - especially with a cold engine you want to take things slow. That gear gets you up to speed and you might soon need to move to gear 2 to keep things moving slowly, but then 100 meters later you’re at the end of your street and you need to stop at the intersection so you move back to 1st. You’ve not gone backwards, you’ve just moved down a gear to slow down.
The intersection is clear and you pick up speed again, back into 2nd. The road is empty and you continue to press the gas, until you eventually need to move to gear three, round the corner, then four. Oh, a hill!! To keep momentum you go back into gear two and push the gas, climbing your way up the hill.
The road levels out, gear 3. You pull onto the highway, time to push the speed, quick gear four and move up to gear five. You might stay here for a while as you cruise down the road, but then you hit a red light. Brake, and move back to one. Two, Three, Four, Five…
After a while, you’ve had fun driving, and you’ve had to use all the gears to get around, but now it’s time to slow down and get out of the car. You move back down the gears and take your foot off the acceleration.
The 5 Gear Theory sees sex a joy ride - moving through phases of intimacy as we move through gears in a car. It is necessary to switch up and down to ensure satisfaction, arousal, and pleasure. You don’t need all gears to get from A to B, you could still drive a car gear 1, it may just move slower.
What each gear ‘means’ or represents is completely up to you but with clients we often give a suggestion as a starting point:
Why we love the metaphor in our work with clients
It’s a very simple metaphor that showcases how different and varied sexual touch or physical intimacy can look, from the pretty rigid schema we’re shown in films, TV, or porn.
Rather than the goal of a car ride being to shift into 5th gear, the goal is to smoothly get from A to B. This highlights that shifting up and down is not only good, but necessary to reach your shared goal of enjoyment. Instead of seeing it as a failure to want to move from penetration to caressing each other or manual stimulation, it is simply a shift in gears that brings you closer to that shared mutual goal.
Consent also becomes apparent in this metaphor, as anyone who’s driven a manual car knows, you cannot start your car in 3rd of 4th gear. In sex it’s the same: Without sufficient arousal and excitement, it’s not enjoyable to move towards genital touch or even penetration immediately or without mutual excitement.
Many people assure that penetration or orgasm is the goal - while it may be a part of sex, oral, intimate touching, cuddling are also valuable and pleasurable. A drive is just as enjoyable or successful without ever reaching 5th gear. The real goal is mutual enjoyment of a smooth ride, no matter what gear. In this, it’s important that we only shift up the gear, if everyone is ready for the shift.
It is possible to break while in any gearm and both partners are always able to reach for the breaks. If something isn’t feeling right, maybe you need to add some more oil (lube), or today just isn’t the day - you can hit the breaks and simply get out of the car.
Sex Therapist’s Tip
Once the metaphor has been explained it can be a starting point to discuss what your gears are, which activities bring you pleasure, or which feeling makes you touch the breaks. Is penetration even in your 5 gears? Do you have an extra 6th gear for that? Which activities are best for you to get your car moving?
Where the metaphor falls apart
Like all metaphors, this one isn’t perfect. In reality you are both driving your own cars, on your own route, with your own hills, traffic lights, and corners - and you’re both driving your own car and a passenger in your partners at the same time. It gets complicated when we think about it like this.
So how we like to explain, imagine that one of you is the driver who is blindfolded, and the other is the passenger who can see the street and also has their own set of gears. The driver can’t see your hill coming and the passenger can’t feel the car pull - the key is communication.
You want to be in the same gear to get the car rolling and you need to decide which gear is best together - what can the passenger see coming, how does it feel to the driver. Continual check-ins, reading body language, and tapping the breaks to take a breather are all ways to keep the drive smooth for everyone.
Taking it further
If this resonated with you and you’d like to explore other methods for creating pleasurable sex, you can make a book inquiry with either us.
Lyra is a sexologist and relationship therapist in Amsterdam, NL. She works with individuals, couples and groups to improve sexual and relational well-being in English, Dutch and German. Her services are available online and in-person in Amsterdam
Sarah is a sexologist, sex therapist and educator, working online from the UK, and in the near future, in-person in Brisbane Australia. She works within individuals and couples offering a space to explore any aspect of your sexual wellbeing that feels confusing, distressing, or you’d like to talk through. She is able to offer a free 15- minute consultation to check if this is right for you, make an inquiry now to book this in!
