Modernizing Sensate Focus: My Trauma-Informed Twist As An Inclusive Sex Therapist
Sensate Focus is, in many ways, the bread and butter of sex therapy. It’s been around for decades, it has solid research behind it, and when couples actually do it, it works. But it’s far from perfect!
Here is my guide for how to use it in a more inclusive, trauma-informed, and non-heteronormative way - for best results.
Where Did Sensate Focus Come From?
In the 1960s, researchers Virginia Johnson and William Masters observed around 700 people having sex - quite the job description. From this intense research period, they developed the original Sexual Response Cycle and, alongside it, one of the most widely used therapeutic tools in sex therapy: Sensate Focus. A structured, one-size-fits-all, at-home series of exercises designed to reduce anxiety, increase mindfulness, and rebuild a more pleasurable, connected sex life.
They spoke with countless people about the ‘problems’ they were experiencing in their sex wellbeing. Low desire. Arousal difficulties. Trouble reaching orgasm. And how little has changed in 80 years - these are still the most common reasons people see a sex therapist.
The Original Steps
1. Taking turns touching each other’s bodies, excluding the erogenous zones
2. Taking turns touching bodies, now including the erogenous zones
3. Mutual, simultaneous touch
4. Intercourse
Where the Original Sensate Focus Falls Short
Sensate Focus was groundbreaking for its time, but it came with some significant limitations that are worth naming:
It was developed exclusively on heterosexual couples
It treats penetration as the inevitable end goal - it isn’t!
It assumes we already know what we like and what our partner likes
It doesn’t account for parts of the body that bring no pleasure or feel triggering
It ignores the fact that our needs and comfort levels shift over time - we move back and forth through these stages as life changes
Drop-out rates are high when people try it without support
That said, there’s a reason it’s stood the test of time. Sensate Focus encourages set times for intimacy, strips things back to basics, removes the pressure to perform, teaches mindful presence, and builds real confidence in touching and being touched. When it’s done well, it works.
My version of Sensate Focus takes the original framework and makes it more inclusive, more flexible, and more honest about what bodies and relationships actually look like.
My Reworked Steps
Discover yourself. Before involving a partner, spend time exploring your own body. What do you enjoy? What doesn’t feel good? What are your boundaries?
Share your findings. This can happen at home or within a sex therapy session. Talk about your boundaries, what parts of your body aren’t pleasurable, what you’re not comfortable with, and what you’re curious about or enjoy.
Take turns touching but no erogenous zones yet. Use your hands, your mouth (excluding kissing), perhaps some lube. Focus on texture, temperature, smell, sensation. As the giver, be curious and present. As the receiver, practice receiving without judgement. Closing your eyes can help to practice mindfulness.
Stay in Step 3 - for longer than feels comfortable. This is where the magic is. Slow things down. Get creative - try toys, food, different temperatures, varied textures, locations, and positions. Anticipation is its own kind of pleasure.
Take turns touching including erogenous zones. The same mindful, curious, non-pressured approach applies.
Again, linger here. Don’t rush on to the next thing. The goal is not to get somewhere. The goal is to enjoy each of the steps and learn along the way.
Mutual touch. Enjoy the receiving and giving pleasure at the same time. Reminder to keep kissing separate as this allows you to stay present in each sensation rather than defaulting to habit or performance.
You don’t ever have to leave 7. Penetration may not be possible, wanted, or relevant - and that’s completely fine. Are you connected? Are you enjoying yourselves? Then this is sex. You might try a new toy here, a new location, a new position, or go back to Step 3 just for the pleasure of building tension again.
Optional Step 9: Penetrative sex. This is not the ‘main course’ or the finish line. It is simply one more type of sex, and you’ve been having sex this whole time anyway.
Ground Rules
Dedicated kissing sessions. Throughout this process, I encourage you to have separate make-out sessions, where kissing is the only thing on the agenda. It keeps that connection alive without it becoming a gateway to something else.
Penetration is off the table during steps 1-8. Removing it from the equation takes the pressure off entirely. Removing the expectation of penetration can ignite desire for intimacy, and many couples find that when they eventually return to it, it feels completely different
Plan your sessions. There is no need to schedule, but having a weekly/monthly conversation about when works best for you both makes it far more likely to actually happen. It also gives you something to look forward to, and space to prepare mentally (e.g.,finish the dishes, put the heating on, sort childcare).
Check in regularly. The boundaries and preferences you shared in Step 2 may evolve. Something that felt good might become sensitive. Something you weren’t sure about might become something you’re curious to explore. Keep the conversation going.
Sensate Focus is yours. It’s a tool you can return to at any point in your relationship, not just when things feel difficult. The steps can be revisited, but they can’t be rushed.
Why Do This With a Sex Therapist?
You can absolutely try Sensate Focus on your own, and some couples do. But there are real benefits to having a therapist guide the process:
Having a third party set the boundaries and pace means both of you can focus on being present, rather than one person feeling responsible for monitoring progress or deciding when to move on.
There’s a gentle accountability. Most people find they’re more likely to do the ‘playwork’ when they have someone to report back to.
It gives you space to process, reflect on, and learn about your experiences, while being guided by a professional.
Interested in exploring this together?
I offer a free 15-minute consultation for anyone curious about whether sex therapy (and sensate focus) might be right for them.
If you’d like to talk this through with me, I offer online and in person sex therapy - a warm, non-judgmental space to explore what intimacy means for you. Whether you’re navigating mismatched desire, disconnection, past experiences, or simply want to build more fulfilling sex, I’m here to help.
Get in touch to book your free consultation.
