Why I Tell Couples to Stop Scheduling Sex … And What to Do Instead!
To Schedule, or Not to Schedule
Scheduling sex has become a pretty controversial topic with many sexologists having their own take on it. Can scheduling sex recreate the excitement we felt when we were dating? Can blocking out time in the calendar actually regulate and improve intimacy, or will it just add more pressure to an already full plate? And what about ongoing consent? Does a pre-agreed slot sidestep the importance of checking in with each other in the moment?
Like so many things in sex therapy, there is no single right answer. It depends entirely on you and your relationship.
Pro Scheduling
By all means, try it. Sit down with your partner, pick a day and time when chores, children, and distractions can be set aside, and schedule in some intimacy. This doesn't have to mean penetrative sex, it can be any form of closeness that feels right for both of you.
What some couples find is that they start to look forward to it. Having a date in the calendar, or on the fridge, can create a sense of anticipation not unlike the early days of dating. You shower, maybe make a little effort, put on your favorite underwear. Maybe you can even ‘dirty talk’ during the day to set the mood for later. You begin to look forward to that dedicated time together, and that anticipation itself can spark arousal.
It also gives your body time to prepare. If you're returning to intimacy after childbirth, illness, or a pain condition, having a set time means you can do any grounding, breathing, or stretching exercises beforehand - giving yourself the best possible chance to feel comfortable and present.
However, getting caught up in the pressure of the marked calendar and putting pressure on someone who is not in the mood is going to do more harm than good.
The Case Against Scheduling
A recurring slot in the diary can start to feel like an obligation - "ugh, it's Thursday again”. Having sex on the calendar doesn't mean you'll suddenly have the energy, or that whatever was getting in the way has magically disappeared.
Scheduling also doesn't address the root cause of why sex isn't happening spontaneously. Forcing it to happen doesn't acknowledge ongoing consent, and it can place the burden squarely on the person (or people) experiencing low desire to simply fix themselves and show up ready, without anyone asking why they don't want to in the first place.
And even if you do go through with it, scheduled sex doesn't automatically mean good sex. If you're rushing to the finish line or going through the motions, you're not creating an experience either of you will want to return to. It becomes a box to tick rather than a moment to enjoy.
My suggestion: set time aside for intimacy, not for sex
Rather than forcing a time slot into the calendar and labelling it "intimate time," I'd encourage something a little different: bring honesty to the conversation first.
Ask each other: what are the blocks getting in the way? There's no shame in having them, we all do. Maybe Saturday is a write-off because the week's laundry is piled up and killing the mood. Maybe Sunday evenings are too anxious for either of you to fully relax. Maybe the kids finishing school early on Thursdays leaves no breathing room at all.
But through that honest, non-judgmental conversation, you might discover that Tuesday mornings could actually work… if you push the gym back half an hour, move a meeting, and ask the grandparents to do the school run a little earlier. Nothing drastic. Just a small, deliberate window.
Then protect it.
It doesn’t have to be weekly but consistency matters. Come back to that quality, dedicated, intentional time together.
Also have a conversation on what happens if we need to cancel/reschedule. How can we say that in a way that the other person knows its not a rejection of them? Could there be a back up plan? When do we need to re-evaluate this time?
There is no need to dress up or go anywhere but phones away and distractions down. Deal with the little things beforehand that you know will pull you out of the moment: put your shoes away, do the washing up, set the heating, close the window, shower before bed, whatever it is for you. And then just... be together.
The first time might feel strange, or loaded with expectation, and physical intimacy might not feel right yet. And that's completely okay. The goal of this time is to enjoy each other without pressure!
You could bring a game, try some shared breathing, a cuddle, eye gazing, or sensate focus exercises. Over time, as the pressure lifts and you start genuinely prioritising each other, intimacy could follow naturally.
This isn't a magic fix, and it won't work the same way for everyone. But it is a real, gentle tool for rebuilding excitement, desire, and connection on your own terms.
Taking This Further
If this resonated with you, it's something we can explore further in a sex therapy session. I can help you ask the honest questions that uncover your blocks, and support you in navigating whatever comes up as you begin to prioritise intimacy again. There are plenty of exercises, games, and conversations we can bring into that time together.
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